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 Sorry, Witze |
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wasseralm
Senior 
Dabei seit: 26.10.2003
Mitteilungen: 1838
Wohnort: Erlangen
 |  Beitrag No.332, eingetragen 2004-11-17
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2004-11-17 10:06: adven schreibt:
ein ziemlich zynischer witz... leider zu wahr und deshalb doch eher traurig als witzig.
das ist leider öfter bei politischen Witzen der Fall, dass einem das Lachen nicht so unbeschwert kommt, weil sie die Wirklichkeit überspitzt nachzeichnen, und die ist oft sehr traurig.
Ich wollte mich jedenfalls nicht auf Kosten der Hungernden dieser Welt lustig machen.
Gruß von Helmut
[ Nachricht wurde editiert von wasseralm am 17.11.2004 12:43:26 ]
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cheesus
Ehemals Aktiv 
Dabei seit: 04.06.2004
Mitteilungen: 92
 | Beitrag No.333, eingetragen 2004-11-17
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gebt mal bei google "Jämmerlicher Waschlappen" ein (ohne anführungszeichen)
gibt's irgendwo eine Liste mit solchen Google-Insidern? Der mit 42 ist auch nicht schlecht
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frosty
Senior
Dabei seit: 07.07.2003
Mitteilungen: 1080
Wohnort: Dresden
 | Beitrag No.334, eingetragen 2004-11-17
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hm, da kommen ganz normale links...was meinst du?
Grüße,
frosty
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Rodion
Senior
Dabei seit: 29.10.2002
Mitteilungen: 2050
 | Beitrag No.335, eingetragen 2004-11-17
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@frosty: Der erste Link war bestimmt nicht dafür gedacht gewesen, unter dem Suchbegriff gefunden zu werden...
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morbus
Ehemals Aktiv
Dabei seit: 17.04.2003
Mitteilungen: 220
Wohnort: München
 | Beitrag No.336, eingetragen 2004-11-17
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Für Nichtschweizer noch lustiger:
Bei google nach "miserable failure" (ohne Anführungszeichen) suchen :-D
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cow_gone_mad
Senior
Dabei seit: 11.01.2004
Mitteilungen: 6651
 | Beitrag No.337, eingetragen 2004-11-17
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Ich habe folgendes unter "Always striving for excellence in teaching, I strictly adhere to well-established guidelines for teaching mathematics." auf der Homepage eines meiner Profs gefunden.
A Guide for Teaching Mathematics
Author unkown
It is the responsibility of the teacher to actively involve his or her students in the learning process. The most important thing he or she should do is to avoid giving clear, concise, organized lectures. If the presentation of a lesson is too easy to follow, most of the class will not need to learn the new material on their own. They will have a certain degree of confidence in their new knowledge, and this will tend to stifle their intellectual pursuits. If, on the other hand, the lecture is vague, rambling and disorganized, the students will leave with their heads full of questions. In fact, they will be so filled with curiosity that they will try to expand their knowledge on their own. There are many ways to present a thought provoking lecture. One of the easiest techniques to use is a foreign accent. If the accent is thick enough, even a well organized lecture will produce expressions of intellectual wonder among the students. Effective accents can be acquired in Alabama, China, India, Latin America, New York City, Germany, or any foreign country.
For natives of Kansas, that is, for individuals who cannot speak anything but perfect Midwestern English, this technique may offer difficulties. There are two possible solutions: (1) One can teach in a foreign country, or at least in New York or Texas; or (2) One can incorporate a new syllable into one's language. Two very effective syllables to use are "um" and "uh". The chosen syllable should be uttered every second or third word. This reduces the possibility that any coherent concept will be given to the class. For example, one can say, "Um, today, u..m, we will be, um, discussing, um....um, determinants." After a couple of sentences, most of the class will be staring at their watches or out the windows. Very quickly, they will become very anxious to go out and learn the material on their own.
In addition, to being aware of one's own speech patterns, the teacher should also pay close attention to the written word. Effective use of the blackboard should be considered almost a necessity. Illegible handwriting can stimulate a student's interest in new material almost as effectively as Incoherent lectures. Often students will meet outside of class to exchange interpretations of lecture notes. Thus illegible handwriting encourages students to work together and share ideas. Writing illegibly requires a great deal of practice to be effective. If one does not have satisfactory handwriting (that is to say., if one's handwriting is suitable only for formal invitations and eye charts). certain "tricks" can be learned:
1. Write small. For students in the back rows, this is almost as effective as writing illegibly. The disadvantage is that students in the front rows will probably be able to read the board and may possibly learn something without having to spend hours interpreting their notes. Also, the professor who writes small may find that most of his or her class will try to sit near the front of the room, which may be too close for comfort, especially on hot days during summer sessions.
2. Write fast. The faster the teacher writes, the faster the students will have to take notes. Often the teacher can move on to a new subject while his or her students are still trying to copy what is on the boar; . Students will be so busy during class that they will wait until after class to try to understand the lesson. In addition to spurring students to learn on their own, writing fast allows the professor to cover more material in a given class period.
3. Write something while saying something different. For example, after working out a lengthy problem the instructor tells the class the answer; is x2 + y while writing on the board y2 + x. This forces students to rethink the problem in order to decide which alternative is correct. Students are thus actively involved in problem solving even after the problem is finished.
4. Erase quickly. This technique practically forces those members of the class who take notes to pay constant attention to the lectures. Those who doze off for a few moments will awaken to find nothing to record in their notes on the topics they missed. This technique is especially effective if one uses both hands to write and erase simultaneously. If all else fails, stand in front of what has just been written. By blocking any clear view of the blackboard, the teacher will help improve students' speculative and psychic abilities. Those instructors who are short or underweight may find this procedure extremely difficult. The above "tricks" may be used separately or combined. It is a good idea to change them occasionally in order to add some variety to the classroom routine.
It is very important that the professor lecture to the blackboard when using it. This helps demonstrate to students how involved the teacher is with the subject. This enthusiasm will most assuredly rub off on the class. Also, by facing the blackboard, one cannot face the class. It is therefore easier to ignore students' questions which tend to interrupt the presentation of topics and make the class period seem to last forever.
There is one last point on teaching technique. It is important that one does not overprepare for lectures. Generally, one should arrive at class a few minutes early, open the book, and glance at the topic for that particular day. Lectures prepared in this manner have a certain freshness and spontaneity that is often missing from those which are more carefully organized. In addition, students will gain a greater appreciation for a correct proof if they see how much time can be spent on a wrong approach.
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adven
Senior
Dabei seit: 27.07.2002
Mitteilungen: 877
 | Beitrag No.338, eingetragen 2004-11-17
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LOL kau,
mir fallen da sofort einige profs bei uns ein, die das schonmal gelesen haben müssen :D
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Morris
Senior
Dabei seit: 14.07.2003
Mitteilungen: 1537
Wohnort: Flensburg, Wohnort Flensburg
 |  Beitrag No.339, eingetragen 2004-11-18
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@adven
Das ist nichts Besonderes. Die Frage ist, ob Dir auch einer einfällt, der das für Ironie gehalten haben könnte  .
Gruß Morris
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cow_gone_mad
Senior
Dabei seit: 11.01.2004
Mitteilungen: 6651
| Beitrag No.340, eingetragen 2004-11-18
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Interessant ist, dass der zweite Teil fehlt:
The first section of this guide has dealt with actual teaching, concentrating on lecturing "tricks", techniques, and preparation. The subject of the last part will be general appearances. Students tend to have more confidence in an instructor if they believe he or she has a thorough understanding of his or her field. To show a class that one has a thorough understanding of mathematics, it is necessary to appear "spaced-out." Being "spaced-out" implies one is so involved with abstract mathematics that one has lost touch with the real world. There are several ways to project such an image.
1. Dress funny. Old suits, baggy pants, narrow ties, and hairy sweaters are all effective and even more so, when worn together.
2. Don't wash your sweatshirts. Albert Einstein is best remembered for two things -- being a genius and wearing dirty sweatshirts. Even if you are not a genius, you can still wear the sweatshirts. In a matter of weeks, you will gain such a reputation that no one will come near enough to challenge it.
3. Don't comb your hair with anything finer than your left hand.
4. Walk into the wrong room and begin to lecture to whatever class is in it. (This will help spread your reputation beyond your own students).
5. Walk into the correct classroom and begin lecturing on whatever happens to be left on the blackboard from the previous class.
6. Acquire a facial twitch.
7. Pretend you are deaf if someone asks a question or the bell rings while you are lecturing. Try to keep talking after everyone has left the room.
8. Follow all the guidelines for teaching given above.
By being properly "spaced-out", one will gain the confidence and respect of one's students. This will make it easier to help inspire the in their study of mathematics. Being properly "spaced-out" will also help one to acquire tenure at this or any other reputable college or university.
Ich glaube, dass liegt daran, dass da manche Punkte eher zu treffen. Womit ich auf Morris Frage geantwortet habe ...
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Guybrush
Ehemals Aktiv
Dabei seit: 09.11.2004
Mitteilungen: 262
 | Beitrag No.341, eingetragen 2004-11-24
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2004-11-17 15:52: cheesus schreibt:
gebt mal bei google "Jämmerlicher Waschlappen" ein (ohne anführungszeichen)
gibt's irgendwo eine Liste mit solchen Google-Insidern? Der mit 42 ist auch nicht schlecht
Google in 1337 rul0rt!
http://www.google.com/intl/xx-hacker/
:)
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Janko
Junior
Dabei seit: 03.11.2004
Mitteilungen: 19
 | Beitrag No.342, eingetragen 2004-11-25
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Quelle: zeit.de/stimmts/1997/1997_28_stimmts
Es gab im US-Staat Indiana einmal einen Gesetzentwurf, der den Wert von Pi auf 3,2 festsetzen sollte - Stimmt's?
Stimmt. Und um ein Haar wäre der Entwurf im Jahre 1897 sogar geltendes Recht geworden - allein der Umstand, daß der Staat Indiana ein Zweikammerparlament hat, konnte seine Verabschiedung verhindern.
Die Sache ging zurück auf den Hobby-Mathematiker Edwin J. Goodwin aus dem Landkreis Posey County. Goodwin glaubte, die Quadratur des Kreises gefunden zu haben. Er wandte sich an seinen Wahlkreisabgeordneten Taylor I. Record und bot ihm einen Deal an: Wenn der Staat Indiana seine Entdeckung zum Gesetz machen würde, könne die neue Wahrheit fortan in den Schulen gelehrt werden, ohne daß der Staat für diese Errungenschaft Tantiemen an Goodwin zahlen müsse.
Ein faires Angebot, meinte der Abgeordnete Record, und brachte den Gesetzentwurf am 18. Januar ins Repräsentantenhaus ein. Der Text bestand aus drei Artikeln, in denen verschiedene mathematische Behauptungen als wahr festgeschrieben wurden. In Abschnitt 2 heißt es: "Das Verhältnis von Durchmesser und Umfang (eines Kreises) ist 5/4 zu 4."
Da p das Verhältnis von Kreisumfang und Durchmesser ist, ergibt sich für die Kreiszahl der praktische Wert 3,2 (statt des unaufhörlichen 3,1415926536..., mit dem sich die Schüler noch heute herumplagen müssen).
Der Gesetzentwurf passierte ohne Beanstandung zwei Ausschüsse des Parlaments und wurde schließlich in dritter Lesung im Repräsentantenhaus mit 67:0 Stimmen angenommen.
Die Zeitungen berichteten sachlich über das neue Gesetz, nur das Indianapolis Journal fand, dies sei "das seltsamste Gesetz", das je vom Parlament beschlossen worden sei.
Der Zufall wollte es, daß sich am Tag des großen Ereignisses ein richtiger Mathematiker ins Repräsentantenhaus verirrte. C. A. Waldo, so sein Name, bekam gerade noch mit, wie die ahnungslosen Volksvertreter ihr einstimmiges Votum abgaben. Freundlich wurde dem Fachmann Waldo angeboten, dem Entdecker Goodwin vorgestellt zu werden.
Um in Kraft zu treten, hätte das Gesetz noch vom Senat, der zweiten Kammer des Parlaments, bestätigt werden müssen. Waldo, der auf die Bekanntschaft des p-Vaters dankend verzichtete ("Ich kenne schon genug Verrückte"), versuchte, die Senatoren aufzuklären. Mit Erfolg. Das Oberhaus vertagte den Entwurf in der zweiten Lesung auf unbestimmte Zeit, dem Staat Indiana blieb einiger Spott erspart.
Überlassen wir den Schlußkommentar Allan Adler, der in der Internet-Newsgroup sci.math schrieb: "Bevor wir allzu laut über die Legislative von Indiana lachen oder über den Bildungsstand im Jahre 1897, sollten wir einen Moment innehalten und darüber nachsinnen, welches Schicksal dem Gesetzentwurf beschieden wäre, würde er heute zur Volksabstimmung gestellt."
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wasseralm
Senior
Dabei seit: 26.10.2003
Mitteilungen: 1838
Wohnort: Erlangen
| Beitrag No.343, eingetragen 2004-11-26
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galexy
Senior
Dabei seit: 12.01.2004
Mitteilungen: 1383
Wohnort: Hamburg
 | Beitrag No.344, eingetragen 2004-11-27
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@wasseralm
Ich habe zu erst gelesen:
Dieser Satz ist kein Verb.
Mann, mann, ich bin zu verbverwöhnt *gg*
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johannes
Wenig Aktiv
Dabei seit: 12.01.2004
Mitteilungen: 755
Wohnort: Alfdorf / Glauchau
 | Beitrag No.345, eingetragen 2004-11-27
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Krass, ich hatte gelesen:
Dieser Satz hat kein Verb.
Da diese Aussage jedoch falsch gewesen wäre, hab ichs nochmal gelesen, und siehe da, die Aussage des Satzes stimmt doch. 
Grüßle, Johannes
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Ben
Senior
Dabei seit: 10.04.2002
Mitteilungen: 472
Wohnort: Ratingen
 | Beitrag No.346, eingetragen 2004-11-27
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Auch ohne Verb ist dieser "Satz" falsch, da es keinen Satz ohne Verb gibt.
Solche verrückten Sachen passieren immer dann, wenn eine Sprache Aussagen über sich selbst machen will, sehr schön erklärt in "Gödel, Escher, Bach" von Douglas R. Hofstadter.
Gruß
Ben
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jannna
Senior
Dabei seit: 04.05.2003
Mitteilungen: 2160
Wohnort: Hannover
 | Beitrag No.347, eingetragen 2004-11-30
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Hi,
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.
How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. What makes life 100%?
If A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.
And look how far this will take you......
A S S K I S S I N G
1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%
Think about it...
.... an have a nice day at work!!!
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Eckard
Senior
Dabei seit: 14.10.2002
Mitteilungen: 6828
Wohnort: Magdeburg
 | Beitrag No.348, eingetragen 2004-12-03
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Rettet dem Dativ!
An alles kann ich mich gewöhnen, nur nicht an dem Dativ.
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buh
Senior 
Dabei seit: 09.05.2001
Mitteilungen: 938
Wohnort: Deutschland-Berlin
 | Beitrag No.349, eingetragen 2004-12-03
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Der Dativ ist den Genitiv sein Tod.
Gruß von buh
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scorp
Senior
Dabei seit: 07.10.2002
Mitteilungen: 4341
Wohnort: Karlsruhe
 |  Beitrag No.350, eingetragen 2004-12-03
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@wasseralm: Ich kenne den Spruch so:
"Dieser Satz kein Verb, das aber nichts, denn man ihn trotzdem."
Und um noch was Neues beizutragen:
Die Aussage dieses Satzes ist leider falsch.
Gruesse,
Alex
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shadowking
Senior 
Dabei seit: 04.09.2003
Mitteilungen: 3482
 | Beitrag No.351, eingetragen 2004-12-03
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In Anlehnung an einen älteren Witz:
Wie kann man einen Logiker stundenlang beschäftigen?
Indem man ihm ein Blatt Papier gibt, wo auf der vorderen
Seite draufsteht
"Der Satz auf der anderen Seite ist wahr"
und auf der hinteren Seite
"Der Satz auf der anderen Seite ist falsch".
Gruß shadowking
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viertel
Senior 
Dabei seit: 04.03.2003
Mitteilungen: 27787
Wohnort: Hessen
 | Beitrag No.352, eingetragen 2004-12-04
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@Eckard:
An allem kann ich mir gewöhnen, nur nicht an dem Dativ. 
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huepfer
Senior
Dabei seit: 19.11.2003
Mitteilungen: 6882
Wohnort: Münster/ eigentl. Allgäu
 | Beitrag No.353, eingetragen 2004-12-04
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Genitiv ins Wasser weil's Dativ ist.
Gruß
Felix
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wasseralm
Senior
Dabei seit: 26.10.2003
Mitteilungen: 1838
Wohnort: Erlangen
| Beitrag No.354, eingetragen 2004-12-04
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2004-12-03 23:04: scorp schreibt:
@wasseralm: Ich kenne den Spruch so:
"Dieser Satz kein Verb, das aber nichts, denn man ihn trotzdem."
Ja, der noch besser!
Gruß von Helmut
[ Nachricht wurde editiert von wasseralm am 04.12.2004 14:07:54 ]
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bruhns
Junior
Dabei seit: 25.11.2004
Mitteilungen: 20
Wohnort: Berlin
| Beitrag No.355, eingetragen 2004-12-04
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Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
(um an den 103%-Witz anzuschliessen)
US-Wahl, in Wyoming 106% "Turnout of Registered Voters"...
Na gut, es gibt eine Erklaerung: Es wurde die Zahl der vorher registrierten Waehler geteilt durch die Zahl der abgegebenen Stimmen.
Das haben sich echte Profis ausgedacht!
soswy.state.wy.us/election/profile.htm
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huepfer
Senior
Dabei seit: 19.11.2003
Mitteilungen: 6882
Wohnort: Münster/ eigentl. Allgäu
| Beitrag No.357, eingetragen 2005-01-06
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Hier mal wieder eine nette Liste an Sprüchen, die bei mir frisch aus Australien angekommen sind.
1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Gruß
Felix
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Site
Senior
Dabei seit: 14.07.2003
Mitteilungen: 406
Wohnort: Heidelberg
 |  Beitrag No.358, eingetragen 2005-01-12
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Spielen Sinus, Kosinus und Konstanze differenzieren. Kommt die Mutter herein: "Sinus, warum bist du denn so negativ?" - Sinus: "Mami, Mami, Konstanze ist verschwunden!!"
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micro
Ehemals Aktiv
Dabei seit: 08.12.2003
Mitteilungen: 602
Wohnort: Karlsruhe
 | Beitrag No.359, eingetragen 2005-01-12
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Thermodynamics of Hell
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since, there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.
Thus, there are two possibilities:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
If we accept the postulate given to me by a young lady during my first year, "It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you", then number 2 above is not true and so Hell is exothermic.
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SchuBi
Senior
Dabei seit: 13.03.2003
Mitteilungen: 19409
Wohnort: NRW
 | Beitrag No.360, eingetragen 2005-01-12
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SchuBi
Senior
Dabei seit: 13.03.2003
Mitteilungen: 19409
Wohnort: NRW
|  Beitrag No.361, eingetragen 2005-01-13
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Martin_Infinite
Senior
Dabei seit: 15.12.2002
Mitteilungen: 39133
Wohnort: Münster
 | Beitrag No.362, eingetragen 2005-01-15
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Hi,
ich habe mir mal wieder die Witze durchgelesen.
Zum Totlachen!!!
Weiter so!
Gruß
Martin
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Plex_Inphinity
Senior
Dabei seit: 01.05.2002
Mitteilungen: 3601
 | Beitrag No.363, eingetragen 2005-01-22
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When the universe is expanding it can make you late for work
By Woody Allen
(04/01/2004)
I am greatly relieved that the universe is finally explainable. I was beginning to think it was me. As it turns out, physics, like a grating relative, has all the answers. The big bang, black holes, and the primordial soup turn up every Tuesday in the Science section of The New York Times, and as a result my grasp of general relativity and quantum mechanics now equals Einstein's - Einstein Moomjy, that is, the rug seller.
How could I not have known that there are little things the size of "Planck length" in the universe, which are a millionth of a billionth of a billionth of a billionth of a centimetre? Imagine if you dropped one in a dark theatre how hard it would be to find. And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
What I do know about physics is that to a man standing on the shore time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife. The latest miracle of physics is string theory, which has been heralded as a TOE, or "Theory of Everything". This may even include the incident of last week herewith described.
I awoke on Friday and because the universe is expanding it took me longer than usual to find my robe. This made me late leaving for work and, because the concept of up and down is relative, the elevator that I got into went to the roof, where it was very difficult to hail a taxi.
Please keep in mind that a man on a rocket ship approaching the speed of light would have seemed on time for work - or perhaps even a little early and certainly better dressed. When I finally got to the office and approached my employer, Mr Muchnick, to explain the delay, my mass increased the closer I came to him, which he took as a sign of insubordination.
There was some rather bitter talk of docking my pay, which, when measured against the speed of light, is very small anyhow. The truth is that compared to the amount of atoms in the Andromeda galaxy I actually earn quite little. I tried to tell this to Mr Muchnick, who said I was not taking into account that time and space were the same thing.
He swore that if that situation should change he would give me a raise. I pointed out that since time and space are the same thing, and it takes three hours to do something that turns out to be less than six inches long, it can't sell for more than $5. The one good thing about space being the same as time is that if you travel to the outer reaches of the universe and the voyage takes 3,000 Earth years, your friends will be dead when you come back, but you will not need Botox.
Back in my office, with the sunlight streaming through the window, I thought to myself that if our great golden star suddenly exploded this planet would fly out of orbit and hurtle through infinity forever - another good reason to always carry a cell phone. On the other hand, if I could someday go faster than 186,000 miles per second and recapture the light born centuries ago, could I then go back in time to ancient Egypt or Imperial Rome? But what would I do there: I hardly knew anybody.
It was at this moment that our new secretary, Miss Lola Kelly, walked in. Now, in the debate over whether everything is made up of particles or waves, Miss Kelly is definitely waves. You can tell she's waves every time she walks to the water cooler. Not that she doesn't have good particles but it's the waves that get her the trinkets from Tiffany's.
My wife is more waves than particles, too, it's just that her waves have begun to sag a little. Or maybe the problem is that my wife has too many quarks. The truth is, lately she looks as if she had passed too close to the event horizon of a black hole and some of her - not all of her, by any means - was sucked in. It gives her a kind of funny shape, which I'm hoping will be correctable by cold fusion.
My advice to anyone has always been to avoid black holes because, once inside, it's extremely hard to climb out and still retain one's ear for music. If, by chance, you do fall all the way through a black hole and emerge from the other side, you'll probably live your entire life over and over but will be too compressed to go out and meet girls.
And so I approached Miss Kelly's gravitational field and could feel my strings vibrating. All I knew was that I wanted to wrap my weak-gauge bosons around her gluons, slip through a wormhole, and do some quantum tunnelling.
It was at this point that I was rendered impotent by Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. How could I act if I couldn't determine her exact position and velocity? And what if I should suddenly cause a singularity; that is, a devastating rupture in space-time? They're so noisy. Everyone would look up and I'd be embarrassed in front of Miss Kelly. Ah, but the woman has such good dark energy. Dark energy, though hypothetical, has always been a turn-on for me, especially in a female who has an overbite.
I fantasised that if I could only get her into a particle accelerator for five minutes with a bottle of Chateau Lafite I'd be standing next to her with our quanta approximating the speed of light and her nucleus colliding with mine. Of course, exactly at this moment I got a piece of antimatter in my eye and had to find a Q-tip to remove it. I had all but lost hope when she turned toward me and spoke.
"I'm sorry," she said. "I was about to order some coffee and Danish but now I can't seem to remember the Schrodinger equation. Isn't that silly? It's just slipped my mind."
"Evolution of probability waves," I said "And if you're ordering I'd love an English muffin with muons and tea."
"My pleasure," she said, smiling coquetishly and curling up into a Calabi-Yau shape.
I could feel my coupling constant invade her weak field as I pressed my lips to her wet neutrinos. Apparently I achieved some kind of fission, because the next thing I knew I was picking myself up off the floor with a mouse on my eye the size of a supernova.
I guess physics can explain everything except the softer sex, although I told my wife I got the shiner because the universe was contracting, not expanding, and I just wasn't paying attention.
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Profil
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Hyp
Senior
Dabei seit: 08.03.2003
Mitteilungen: 1858
| Beitrag No.364, eingetragen 2005-01-22
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Questions and Answers
Q: Why is the number 10 afraid of seven?
A: Because seven ate nine.
Q: Do you know the new joke about statistics?
A: Probably.
Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn't Abel.
Q: I have Math problems. What can I do?
A: Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
Q: What kind of insect is good at math?
A: The account-ant
Q: What is the oddest prime?
A: 2, because it is even.
Q: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards?
A: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.
Q: Why do Mathematicians mix up Halloween and Xmas?
A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!
Q: What is a compact city?
A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted policemen!
Q: Do you believe in one God?
A: Yes, up to isomorphism!
Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
Q: What do a mathematician and a physicist have in common?
A: They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra.
A: |Elephant|*|zebra|*sin(theta) in a direction mutually perpendicular to the two as determined by the right hand rule..
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber.
A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar.
Q: Did you hear about the confused Mathematician?
A: He was solving for X but he didn't know Y.
Q: To what question is the answer "9W."
A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?"
Q: What is a topologist?
A: A man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
Q: What is a statistician?
A: That is a man who can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice and who can still say that on the average he feels fine.
Q: How many kinds of people are there in the world?
A: Three: Those who can count and those who can't.
Q: What is the world's longest song?
A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall."
Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice.
A: Zorn's Lemon.
Q: What is black and white and fills the plane?
A: A Piano curve
Q: What's non-orientable and lives in the sea?
A: Mobius Dick.
Q: What's purple and commutes?
A: An abelian grape.
Q: What does (x-a)(x-b)(x-c)...(x-z) equal?
A: [Hint: check out the 24th factor].
Gefunden auf uni-graz.at/imawww/pages/humor/index.html
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Profil
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Ende
Senior
Dabei seit: 15.03.2002
Mitteilungen: 2300
Wohnort: Kiel, Ostsee
 | Beitrag No.365, eingetragen 2005-02-03
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Ein allzu typischer Beitrag im 1-Cent-Spiel hatte mich hieran erinnert (Ich hatte das Gefuehl, dass wir's schon mal hatten, konnte es aber nicht finden):
how forums operate
How many people does it take to change a light bulb?
1 to change the light bulb.
1 to post that the light bulb has been changed.
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb
could have been changed differently.
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
53 to flame the spell checkers.
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp".
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is
perfectly correct.
156 to email the participant's ISPs complaining that they are in violation of
their "acceptable use policy".
109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this
discussion to a lightbulb forum.
203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and
lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.
111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and
therefore the posts are relevant to this forum.
306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy
the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique
and what brands are faulty.
27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected
URLs.
27 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group
which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.
33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all
headers and signatures, and add "Me too".
12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot
handle the light bulb controversy.
19 to quote the "Me too's" to say "Me three".
4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
44 to ask what is a "FAQ"?
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
143 to say "do a search on 'light bulbs' before posting questions about light
bulbs".
16 to say, "I sent you an e-mail about light bulbs".
1 newbie to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all
over again.
[ Nachricht wurde editiert von Ende am 03.02.2005 19:49:13 ]
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Profil
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Gockel
Senior
Dabei seit: 22.12.2003
Mitteilungen: 25548
Wohnort: Jena
 | Beitrag No.366, eingetragen 2005-02-03
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@Ende: Rooofl, der ist gut!
Und mit unserer aktuellen Mitgliederzahl können wir knapp dreieinhalb Light Bulb-Threads aufmachen, ohne dass jmd. was doppelt postet
mfg Gockel.
P.S.: 365 Antworten... endlich haben wir einen Witz für jeden Tag des Jahres
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Profil
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matroid
Senior 
Dabei seit: 12.03.2001
Mitteilungen: 14611
Wohnort: Solingen
 |  Beitrag No.367, vom Themenstarter, eingetragen 2005-02-03
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@Ende: Rofl!
Außerdem glaube ich nicht, daß er schon in diesem Forum steht, denn ich kannte ihn nicht.
Gruß
Matroid
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Profil
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Yves
Senior
Dabei seit: 26.07.2003
Mitteilungen: 2479
Wohnort: Saarbrücken/Trier
 | Beitrag No.368, eingetragen 2005-02-03
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Profil
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Florian
Senior
Dabei seit: 25.10.2004
Mitteilungen: 893
Wohnort: Salzburg, Österreich
 | Beitrag No.369, eingetragen 2005-02-04
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Gerade gehört:
Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
Because he wasn't Abel.
mfg Flo
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Profil
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murmelbaerchen
Senior
Dabei seit: 03.02.2003
Mitteilungen: 4294
 | Beitrag No.370, eingetragen 2005-02-04
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@Ende: hmmm, immer diese englischen Witze, die ich nicht verstehe...
Aber jetzt mal was Ernstes. Hab ein Riesenproblem!
Heute morgen ist mir 'ne Birne kaputt gegangen. Weiss jemand wie man die
wechselt??
Viele Grüsse
Murmelbärchen
P.S. Ironie des Schicksals? So sehr ich auch beim Ende-Witz schmunzeln musste, so erinnerte er mich doch sehr latent in abgeschwächter Form an das ein oder andere topic hier
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Profil
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viertel
Senior
Dabei seit: 04.03.2003
Mitteilungen: 27787
Wohnort: Hessen
| Beitrag No.371, eingetragen 2005-02-04
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@Birnenbärchen
Dann nimm doch 'nen Apfel
Und wenn Du eines von diesen Leuchtdingern meinst: was heißt kaputt? Leuchtet nicht mehr oder Glas gebrochen? Falls erstes: rausschrauben, neue rein, fertig. Falls zweites: Sicherung raus, mit ner Zange den Rest rausschrauben, neue Birne rein. Und Sicherung nicht vergessen.
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Profil
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murmelbaerchen
Senior
Dabei seit: 03.02.2003
Mitteilungen: 4294
| Beitrag No.372, eingetragen 2005-02-04
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Hallo Dietmar,
Dich hätte man wohl im "light bulb"-Forum gebraucht.
Perfekte Antwort, Ursachen differenziert, elektorechnische Sicherheitshinweise gegeben und auch nicht den nötigen Humor vermissen lassen 
Viele Grüsse
Birnenbärchen
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Profil
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